Making room for grief and changed traditions

What we found in the guidance

The National Institute on Aging’s Coping With Grief and Loss (opens in a new tab), reviewed July 15, 2024, discusses mourning after a death, finding support and allowing time for adjustment.

“There are no rules about how you should feel.”

— National Institute on Aging

This is educational guidance, not a timetable for grief or a description of how every family will respond. Its focus is bereavement after death; our holiday examples are an application to family connection, not a clinical treatment.

Why this matters to us

A familiar occasion can bring comfort and also make an absence especially noticeable. Different relatives may want different things: one wants to keep a tradition, another wants a quieter day, and someone else is unsure until the moment arrives.

At genus, we think care includes making those differences easier to express. Continuing a ritual does not have to mean pretending nothing has changed. Changing it does not mean the person who died has become less important.

For someone who spent a long time caregiving, the day may also feel different because familiar responsibilities are no longer there. Family support can remain welcome even when the practical care arrangement has ended.

Offer choices without demanding a mood

Our suggestion is to ask about one part of the occasion rather than expecting someone to design the whole day.

Would they like company for a meal, a short visit or a call? Would sharing a memory feel welcome, or would they rather leave that open? An invitation can make clear that changing their mind is acceptable.

Consider these small arrangements:

• Offer an arrival and departure time that can be flexible.
• Let someone opt out of a tradition without explaining it to everybody.
• Ask before sharing personal photographs or stories with a wider group.
• Check in after the occasion, when other people’s schedules return to normal.

Avoid requiring gratitude, cheerfulness or visible sadness. A person can enjoy a moment and still be grieving. The aim is to offer companionship on terms they can influence.

If grief is making everyday life difficult to manage, encourage contact with a qualified health professional or bereavement support service. Being present as a friend or relative is valuable; it does not require having all the answers.

The genus connection

Today, the genusConnect Care App (opens in a new tab) supports enabled conversations and events for invited community members. Features and access depend on the organization’s configuration.

A care circle can use those tools to coordinate a welcome visit and communicate a changed plan with appropriate privacy. Technology cannot resolve grief. Its modest role is to help people remain available to one another without placing the organizing work on the person who needs support.

One question to take away

What invitation could you make that leaves the other person free to choose how, or whether, to join?