The friend you have been meaning to contact

What we found in the news

Research announced by Simon Fraser University in April 2024 (opens in a new tab) explored reluctance to contact old friends across seven studies involving almost 2,500 participants. Wanting to reconnect did not always lead to sending a message. These findings describe particular study settings, not every friendship.

Co-author Lara Aknin offered a modest hope:

“send that first message to someone that they miss in their lives.”

— Simon Fraser University, April 23, 2024

We like the ordinary scale of that invitation. It leaves room to begin with a hello.

Why this matters to us

An old friend can occupy a curious place in a busy week: someone remembered warmly, but never quite contacted. A familiar song or passing place brings them to mind, then the day moves on.

For some people, a long silence may make the first message feel as though it needs an explanation. Others may simply be unsure what to say. These are possibilities to recognize, not diagnoses of a reader’s hesitation.

Our genus perspective is that a small, respectful opening can be worthwhile when someone wants to reconnect. It does not need to restore the whole friendship at once. It should also respect relationships a person has chosen to leave behind. Reconnection is an option, never an obligation attached to having known someone.

Let the message be about something real

A shared interest can provide a natural starting point. For example, someone might write: “I passed that bookshop we used to visit and thought of you. I hope you’re doing well.” This is an illustrative message, not a quotation from the study or a real person’s account.

The detail makes the contact personal without asking for an immediate conversation. There is no need to add a long apology, a demand for news or a promise to become a different kind of friend. Write something you can mean and leave space for an answer.

Choose a contact route you already have a legitimate reason to use. If the person has asked not to be contacted, respect that boundary. If circumstances are sensitive or uncertain, a familiar mutual contact may sometimes be able to clarify whether an approach would be welcome without sharing private details.

The aim is a considerate invitation, not a campaign to obtain a response.

Allow the next step to be small too

A reply might become a short exchange, a phone call or a plan to meet. It may arrive later than expected, or not arrive at all. A slow response alone cannot tell you what the other person feels or what is happening in their life.

If both people would like to meet, choose an arrangement that fits their current circumstances. A short visit or an ordinary public activity can be easier to plan than a full day together. Ask what suits rather than assuming that an old routine still works.

For a friend or family member supporting someone else, let them set the pace. Offer to help write a message or find activity details if they want that help. Avoid sending something in their name or arranging a surprise reunion.

Community hosts have a smaller supporting role: make an activity easy to understand for two people who would like a place to meet. The friendship belongs to them.

The genus connection

Today, configured genusConnect communities (opens in a new tab) can include conversations, events and reviewed resources. An organization can make a local activity and its arrangements easier to find for people choosing to attend together.

That is different from finding old friends or contacting them automatically. Personal relationships should remain under the people’s control, with membership and sharing permissions respected. A useful resource may support a next step; it does not determine whether a friendship resumes.

One question to take away

Is there someone you would like to say hello to, with no demand attached?

If so, one kind and specific message may be enough for today. Let the person decide whether, when and how they would like to continue.